What am I doing here?

I ask this question more than I’d like to answer.

The answers are usually generic: working, eating, studying, reading and sleeping. Whatever generic response I give myself is not enough. It’s like my mind is constantly asking and hoping for a better response that I honestly cannot give it. I am just working, those 40 hours a week keep me busy, while in school I study or attend classes. I try to read while I eat my lunches but that just started happening. So, what does she want from me?

“She”, being my mind, which is me, but not really. We may be the same person, but my mind has its own personality that isn’t me. She is mean, and rude and so condescending and half the time I don’t even know who she is. It’s just some stranger that knows everything about me and all my secrets. Why would she treat me the way she does and ask repetitive questions when she doesn’t like the answer to them?

A generic response is better than the real one which is, I honestly have no clue what I am doing. I wake up at 6am for an internship that isn’t challenging me and might have an end date. To which I have no back up plan once it is over. I am going to school and accumulated student debt for a major and degree I don’t even want. It was just the safest thing I could have done at the time. I feel like Squidward when he went to the perfect town and was doing everything the same every day. It was good at first and now I am wondering what am I even doing here?

Feeling like this usually happens when I am left alone with her, my mind. I like keeping busy. It gives me a distraction and honestly a sense of purpose. But here I am, at this internship with no work to do left alone with her. She had me wondering what I am doing, I don’t want a generic response either. I want the real answer too.

I started thinking about how I am spending my days lately. How much time I waste driving, using social media and honestly how often I am saying how tired I am. I spend roughly 2 hours on the road for my commute to and from work. I spend 8-9 hours at work, and usually in bed by 10pm to 11pm at the latest. However, I start getting into bed as soon as I eat dinner, which is right when I get home, and start preparing for bed at 7pm. I’m starting to hate the 9-5 jobs, don’t get me wrong. I was grateful when I quit my retail job. A year ago, it took a year for me to be sick of this schedule. Now what? This is supposed to be my career and I’m already sick of it? How am I going to survive another thirty years of this?

Even so, I feel as if the days are passing by in a flash. Not enough time, not much to get done. “Just do it tomorrow?” I have been putting off so many things till tomorrow that I completely gave up on doing certain things. I mentioned in one of my last posts about how I woke up from a coma, wondering where all the years passed and now, I am here. This is a side effect of ignoring your traumas and suppressing everything, so you don’t feel.

I wonder about those who are in the same boat as me, the 9-5 job. I want to know how you hold up, how do you spend the rest of your day after work? When do you get time to work out, to spend time with family or friends on the weekdays? I suppose that’s what you have weekend for but how do you fit everything in two days? Everything being: cleaning, doing laundry, catching up with friends or family, working out or even resting up?

I feel like there’s not enough hours in the day to do everything I can in a day. I miss doing errands during the day, when everyone is at work. The stores are a lot less crowded then and I love it. The house is quiet then too. I still live at home. Yes, a late twenty-year-old still lives at home with mom and dad. Trust me if I could move out in LA I would have by now. I have requirements for me to consider moving out, plus I’m not paying rent so that’s good right?

“If you don’t pay rent you should have money saved up to move out eventually?”

Yes and no. I have money to keep me afloat, but I have debt, chronic shopper but that’s a different post. In summary I don’t have money to move out, however with the internship money I will and hopefully by next year I will be looking at apartments to move out. Hopefully.

“So, what’s this posting even about?”

It’s about me wondering what the hell I am doing here. Wondering why I am doing what I am doing. If I am not happy, why am I not making a change, why am I upset with myself about the answers I give her. My mind.

This post is to get myself thinking about what I am doing. It’s about trying to find the answer that is going to make me and her happy. Unfortunately for those who read, you’re coming along for the ride with me. Hopefully you’ll stay a while on this journey.