Starting Over

When I was a kid, I always changed what I wanted to be when I grew up. The idea of my kid self-thinking of careers at such a young age is shocking to me now. Here I am, much older now, recently changing my career path, and starting all over.

My new career path is safer, financially, than my last career choice. Working in retail/kitchen is not for the faint of heart. It was a struggle the last year I was in that bubble, and I learned so much about myself that year. I learned that I have anxiety, I truly wonder how long I have had it, if I paid attention to the signs I would have known much sooner. My depression came back last year. Well, it didn’t come back, it was always there just at bay. Honestly it was probably waiting for my guard to be down for it to fully take over my mind. The only thing I noticed is that with age you get busier and recognizing your own cries for help are ignored because it is not the time to feel.

I just want to put a disclaimer, I am fine now, sort of. As fine as someone can be working full time, going to school and trying to have a social life can be. A little stressed but manageable. The new job has been less stressful than my past jobs. The first day nerves were never there, I’m on my fourth week here just for reference. However, I never felt nervous on my first day, I wasn’t excited either. I truly don’t think I felt anything about it and that worried me. Now on my fourth week here it has been okay, very slow and have not received much work since I started. I’m a little concerned that I don’t know as much as I’m expected to know. With the little work that I have received, it seemed simple enough to understand. However, it was just busy work that was given to us interns.

Monday, July 6th, 2022, I had a panic attack at work. At the time I was writing the beginning of this blog post I was still in the middle of my third week. Monday being the beginning of my fourth week, and I had a panic attack. Writing this the day after the attack, it seems a little silly to have reacted the way I did. Luckily it was not a huge attack, and I was able to catch it before it blew up. It still happened though, my nearly two-month panic attack was broken, and all because of the HR lady here.

She pulled me in Monday morning because I emailed her about a task that was not submitting. I was concerned that my option for benefits from the company would not come up until it was gone. She said, “Well since you’re only here for 6 weeks it wouldn’t make sense to sign up, the benefits wouldn’t even take effect until after you are gone anyways.” I want to state that I did get this internship because of nepotism, I am not proud of that but at this day in age it is the only way to get a good job nowadays. In my conversation with this family friend, they said I would stay on as an intern until I graduated and then I would be hired as staff. My welcome letter stated this as well, I pulled it up and double checked. This HR lady also said, it is important that we reach out to let everyone know we are available as interns. She mentioned sending out an email, which I had in my drafts, but I never sent it because I received work from someone. I told her that and she said to reach out to see if they need anything else.

“When are you graduating again?” The HR lady asked me. Hoping for the end of 2023. “Well, we will hire again in October.” she said. I left her office more confused than ever. As a manager once before that conversation meant that I might not be kept on after the six-week internship. Sitting at my desk I tried to be calm, I tried to be distracted. After a while I couldn’t deal with it, so I had to go to the restroom. As I was trying to not hyperventilate, I went into the stall and remembered what TikTok taught me. Water or something cold on your neck can possibly help. Usually, you immerse yourself, but I couldn’t quite do that.

When I get attacks, I tend to spiral after. I get so into my head that I tell myself things to keep me down. I tell myself that people are out to get me, that no one really likes me. I say that I am worthless and not good enough to be where I am at. I tell myself all these lies that are not even true, but I believe them. Even if I know they are not true, subconsciously I think they’re true. There is no going back once I have gotten to a dark place, I can stay there for days until one day I manage to pull myself out.

I am still confused about everything the HR lady said but I guess I will have to wait and see. Just popped a prescribed Ativan from a year ago and it calmed me down the rest of my day. I am trying to keep an open mind and thankful for the opportunity I have being where I am now. However, it’s hard to not wonder if I made a mistake and should have stayed where I was comfortable.