Well that last post was a bit dramatic. Don’t get me wrong I still resonate with it and how I was feeling at that moment.
After speaking with my therapist about it I realized that I was letting a lot of things dwell in my mind rather than processing and moving on. I started to fixate on the negative moments I was having with my family instead of in simpler terms “getting over it”.
I hate that. The need or the simple notion of getting over something because it’s just easier to do. I don’t enjoy that I fixate on my negative interactions, but I rather remember them instead of simply ignoring it. That is how I see “getting over it”, that letting something not bug you and letting it go means just that. I don’t want to discredit myself into thinking that these negative interactions mean nothing and that is why I need to get over it. I want to understand why I am fixating on these moments and why they are bothering me in the first place before I can simply “get over it”.
In a way getting over things is simply signaling to me that I am allowing certain treatment against me slide; as well as validating to others that I allow this type of treatment.
Now you may be wondering, “If you don’t let it slide then why don’t you say something instead of thinking about it?”
In most cases I do say something, that however does not mean it’s solved. I will admit that I am very argumentative, not the best but I speak out a lot when I don’t like something. As I got older, I realized that no matter what I say does not mean anything, when it comes to my family. I’m still seen as the angry teen that is so dramatic and needs to stop being emotional. When I am just a hurt child who wasn’t validated as a kid; and is struggling to express herself because she was never allowed to have emotions.
I have seen a lot that you cannot heal from trauma in the place that was hurting you in the first place. Living at home is honestly killing me, and the work I am doing to heal myself will not work if I am still dealing with the immaturity from my family.
I want to move out, trust me I desperately do however, I have been used to a certain space that I refuse to move out with anyone or even have a roommate. Dealing with my family made me realize I must live alone in order to have peace. I also couldn’t live alone with my salary working at the movie theater, so I spent money instead of saving it. I thought well I need to have a better salary in order to move out so until I make more, I won’t look. Now I am making well enough but racked up a credit card debt. Also, as an intern I could lose my job at any given moment; not to mention still in school racking up a student loan bill. There are a lot of factors as to why I haven’t moved out. The biggest one being that I am not smart with my money. Given that, the unreliability in my job, I still struggle not spending money even when I know I should save.
Retail therapy has been my friend since I was in grade school. Buying new things always brought me joy for a moment until it didn’t, and then the cycle would repeat. Don’t get me started on all the binging I would do too because food was always there for me when I was at my lowest. However, those are topics for a different day. Just know, I am working on it.
The main point I got out of my therapy session was that I need to remind myself that where I am is temporary. The light is getting closer and brighter that it gives me hope to now dwell on negative moments. That getting over something is not because I simply don’t care but it shows that I am a bigger person to not let it bother me. Their actions won’t disturb my peace.
Older, Yet Not Much Wiser 