Getting Real

It’s starting to get bad again.

I can feel myself falling into the depression that I thought I had tamed. It feels as if I am trying to race the tornado of emotions that are trying to destroy me.

A part of me is wondering if my mind wants me to feel my emotions. I have been so numb for the last few weeks, and it’s as if my mind is trying to make me feel something. Don’t get me wrong I have emotions, I am sure I have them every day. But I don’t care about anything, things that used to make me happy are no longer bringing me any joy. There has been no effect on me on those things that used to annoy me or even anger me. All I have been feeling is tired.

I’m tired of working, so I started questioning my career choices. Is a 9-5 really what I want to do? Accounting has never been the plan and here I am, an internship and almost a degree later.

I’m tired of school, the pressure is on in my final year of school, and I am not excited nor nervous about what’s to come. I could care less, I don’t want a degree in a career that I don’t even want.

I’m tired of living at home, and I worry that no matter what, I can never make enough to live on my own. My “home” is not my home. I lost that comfort and it’s as if I have no place to fully rest. The peace I used to feel in my own room has disappeared.

I feel as if I lost the fight to keep on going. I’m too tired to keep on keeping on, it’s exhausting and I don’t want to do it anymore.

I have dealt with my depression long enough to know when I am spiraling. I have always suppressed it and always reminded myself that I am way too busy to feel anything. I shed a tear and gather myself up and keep going, it’s what I have been doing for so long now it’s second nature to me.

This time, it feels different. I want to feel it, I want to feel everything. I don’t want to be numb anymore, but I am afraid that I will feel too much. There’s a battle in my head right now debating on what I should do. Should I feel it, or should I continue the cycle all over again?

If you have made it this far in the reading, I want you to know I am fine. I have always been just fine. I don’t have the courage to do any harm to myself that I know will be okay. I have a therapist but subjects like this scare me to talk about to her because of the fear of getting locked up. I made the mistake once, and the doctors held me to make sure I wouldn’t harm myself for hours.

I just wanted to get this off my chest and finally say how I have been feeling lately.