It has been 3 weeks since I have been out of my house for work. It has been about 2 weeks since I have been out and about with people because I had Covid. It feels weird that the week I am back in the office is the same week I start school.
A part of me is waiting for me to freak out and have a panic attack about having to attend class tonight. While the other part of me does not have the time or patience to even deal with the episode. The voices in my head are conflicted and tittering between two sides. Shut up and deal with it like an adult and the other wants to cry and quit.
I am blessed that I have this internship that knows school comes first. Heck even the one person that is the reason I have this internship. Said that on my school days that I must be in class at 2pm, that I should just take off to focus on school. Although I know I won’t take advantage of that in the beginning, but I know I will need it when it comes to finals.
I keep reminding myself about this option and that I can do this and it’s not going to be a problem. I keep telling myself that I can do this, that it’s time and I must finish school. While of course I am still worrying about how I cannot do this, and this is too much work for me to handle. However, I am trying to suppress that feeling because I don’t want to freak out.
I think I am more afraid of understanding the material. Even though my major is accounting, I had a huge struggle understanding it in my class last semester. It was discouraging to be an accounting major and not understand what the material is. Like how I can even want to do accounting if I barely know what was going on in that class.
The classes now are all accounting classes, and I am so nervous that I don’t understand anything. Also, I am a horrible test taker and online classes were amazing because I was able to use my notes. To which of course was allowed in my classes but that was just a given since the students would have anyways. Now I am afraid that option won’t be given, and everything will be based on your learning. Trust me I learn, I can learn stuff, I can’t retain it though. Once I learn it, I struggle keeping it in my memory for test days.
I also lack discipline; any free time I get I tend to not really use it wisely. I typically used it to be on my phone and not actually studying. Great, the problem is me that I am not trying enough. But I knew that anyways, writing it makes me feel a little better. I just hope this semester I make better choices.
Older, Yet Not Much Wiser 